


Both and Neither

by arsenicarose



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Genre: Anidala just happens, F/M, Mostly follows cannon, Obidala is the true love, POV Padmé Amidala, Spoilers for all three movies, With Minor Adjustments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 03:14:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13778484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arsenicarose/pseuds/arsenicarose
Summary: Padmé Amidala fell in love with an emotionally unavailable man first.When the boy became a man before her eyes, she wasn't sure about him, but his ocean of love was a wonderful place to drown in.She had loved the man from the start, but the boy grew on her. She lost both.





	Both and Neither

It began innocently enough: furtive glances by a young queen at the older padawan. Somehow, her poise made him treat her with respect, even though she was just fourteen. He was never untoward, of course, but he talked to her like she was adult. She was unsure if he had known about her rank as queen all along, or if he was just in the habit of respecting people no matter their age, but she liked it either way.

The boy was sweet, but strange. Something in him wasn’t quite right from the beginning. She didn’t know it at the time, but years later, as she reflected on the path her life had taken, she realized that it had always been there. Ani wasn’t a bad kid, but there was that seed. Some days, she would think on what could have been done better. His reaction to the council’s decisions was a bit more than necessary, but she agreed with him when he said that they didn’t treat him fairly. 

Working closely with Ani (and Obi-Wan) made her see some of the egregious errors the Jedi were making in raising their kids. The deep, powerful emotions Anakin had were considered a detriment, rather than a gift. He was chastised for reacting reasonably, to the point where he overreacted. She didn’t think it was entirely the council’s fault, but she certainly didn’t think they helped.

Anakin was an interesting time in her life, and she had incredible feelings for him, but it was always about Obi-Wan. Padmé had been tempted by him from the beginning. He had a huge smile, and he was a little cheeky with his master. It made her laugh. Their first encounter was brief, interrupted by malfunctions and errands and a strange boy who called her an angel.

After Qui-Gon died, she stayed with Obi-Wan while he mourned privately. The Jedi had an unrealistic ruling against attachment, so his grief was inappropriate to them. He couldn’t express it in front of the boy, but he was so distraught. Even the knowledge that Qui-Gon was now “one with the Force” couldn’t comfort him. He kept his mourning period short though, maybe an hour, before he forced himself to move on. Her heart broke for him.

~~~

After they recaptured Theed together, they didn’t see each other for about five years. Being queen kept her busy, and he was off somewhere, finishing his training and training the boy. She was nineteen when they met again, young and rebellious and ready for an adventure. They ran into each quite by chance, and started chatting. Anakin was off somewhere being trained in some special Jedi thing, and she was taking time to enjoy herself between her terms.

The kiss took them both by surprise, and years later, they still couldn’t figure out who had initiated it. The passion just overtook them (or maybe the lust), and they found themselves naked in an afterglow. He reminded her that Jedi couldn’t form attachments, but there was nothing against intercourse. She agreed to those terms wholeheartedly.

They met randomly over the course of the following five years. These things were never planned, but they found a way. Mostly they would both end up on Coruscant at the same time and find some place private. She didn’t see Anakin for those ten years, and she almost forgot about him. Her only reminder was Obi-Wan’s occasional comments on his padawan, and his anxieties about the boy’s temperament.

~~~

When Anakin Skywalker walked through her door, she was floored. He was handsome but stranger than before. It was like an open wound in the air around him. She was sure that everyone else could see it, or at least she prayed that they could. His clear deep and personal obsession with her became clear quite quickly, and it was alarming to say the least. Obi-Wan didn’t look too pleased with it either. She wasn’t sure if it was the inappropriate attachment Anakin was having that made Obi-Wan purse his lips, or if it was that the attachment was to her. Obi-Wan watched the encounter with a grim set to his jaw. It gave her an uneasy feeling.

Their ability to have encounters was severely limited by Anakin’s presence. They barely spoke. They never touched. There was one occasion where they managed a desperate, lean-against-the-wall-and-cover-your-mouth quickie, but other than that, nothing. Anakin remained oblivious, spending far too much time information dumping his entire life to her. She felt for him, she really did, but it was like whining, even if his base issues were accurate.

She never talked to Obi-Wan about what Anakin said.

Her feelings for Anakin came about quite by accident. She had known unrequited love for a long time with Obi-Wan. He stuck to the code to an extreme, to the point that she truly believed that he did not care for her at all. (She learned too late this wasn’t true.) Anakin dumped love on her like he dumped any emotion. He was not shy with it, and he was ready to explore a whole world of affection previously unavailable to her. 

It was hard to resist his attentions. Anakin was the kind of lover where you became his whole world. The intensity of being his was addictive, honestly, and she saw no reason to stop it. Her heart clung to Obi-Wan, but she pushed that aside for Anakin’s intensity and rawness. It truly terrified her at times, and she had nightmares about dying by his hand, but it was exhilarating, refreshing. The openness was like none she had ever known, and it became harder and harder to keep her one-sided affections for a distant man.

~~~

When Obi-Wan was captured, it all came rushing back. There was nothing she wouldn’t do to save him. She played it off as helping Anakin do something he wanted to do, but was against regulations, hoping he would believe it. The reality was that seeing that holorecording ripped out her heart. She had never really let go of her feelings for Obi-Wan. She had just drowned them in the ocean of Anakin’s affections, hoping that would be enough.

Seeing him, even though he was strapped to a huge pillar with chains, was amazing. Her heart soared. She felt bad for Anakin in that moment, knowing that she could give him only scraps of real love at the time. Even he deserved better.

As they were riding on the horrific monster that had just been trying to kill them, she squeezed Obi-Wan’s thigh, conveying all that she was feeling, minus any “attachment.” He didn’t react to the gesture.

She and Obi-Wan had sex for the last time several days later. She had not slept with Anakin yet, so she considered the last time a goodbye. Her decision was made. When they finished, she told Obi-Wan of her painful choice, how she needed more and he couldn’t give it. He told her that he understood and let her go. That was the right thing to do by the Jedi Order. (Later, he would confess to her how hard that had been.)

She and Anakin were married soon after, in the beauty of her home planet. Overtime, she grew to love him. It was a different thing that what she had felt (and continued to feel) for Obi-Wan, but it was real. Anakin seemed to feel the further commitment, and rejoiced in it. It was a truly happy memory, seeing him smile as the sun set, the lake shimmering with the colors of the sky, and him happy and untroubled. She would cling to that memory for a long time, especially when things got bad.

~~~

She never wanted to get pregnant. The baby was a completely unexpected surprise. It would ruin everything, she knew. Part of her feared this bomb growing inside her, but part of her loved it already.

What would Obi-Wan think?

What started as a happy gift to two people in love quickly turned sour. Anakin had terrible dreams of her death, and she couldn’t doubt his fears. She had been there with him when his mother passed. She feared her own death, of course, but she started to fear him more. He didn’t turn on her (at first), but his intensity became too much. Something was making him angrier and more distant. She could feel him pulling away while he clung to her.

She didn’t know what to do.

She couldn’t tell anyone about the issues they were having, so she suffered alone. In her weakest moment, she considered contacting Obi-Wan. No one knew Anakin better, and it would be good to talk to him again, but she knew that wasn’t an option. She and Obi-Wan had stopped most communications after their last sexual encounter, and she didn’t know how Anakin would react. She assumed he would react poorly.

She was starting to fear what Anakin would do.

It was just a little feeling, a nagging thorn pricking her side every once in awhile. He would do something or say something that would rock her to her core. Something in her brain would realize that she could one day be on the other side of his new-found wrath.

~~~

Things started to move too fast when she saw the Jedi Temple burning. Word of Jedis dying, all over the galaxy, spread, and lies about the reasons why followed. Anakin came to her, hatred in his eyes, and lied to her face. She didn’t believe for a moment that the Jedi were enemies of the Republic, at least not the Republic she had put her faith in.

Everything she cared about started crashing around her. The Senate collapsed in front of her very eyes, replaced by a Galactic Empire, headed by a man she had once considered an ally and loyal friend. Something told her that these things were connected, and it was going to get much worse.

In the end, she didn’t have to find Obi-Wan, he came to her. He wanted information she knew, but she had to hide it from him. If Obi-Wan found Anakin… She tried not to think about it. There had to be another way.

He told her things, terrible things, but she knew they were true as he said them, even as she denied them out loud. It tore her to pieces. Who had she fallen in love with? What had she done? The horror hit her again and again, wave after wave, as each thing clicked into place. The man she had chosen was a monster.

She couldn’t let them fight. It would be a fight to the death, and she couldn’t lose either of them. She tried to protect her terrible choice as best she could, even when she knew it was wrong. Obi-Wan was right, she knew it, but how could she sentence the men she loved to death?

“Anakin is the father, isn’t he?”

All she could do was cry.

~~~

She found Anakin exactly where he said he would be. She held him close to her, pretending that it was all a lie. She let herself be in Ani’s embrace one last time, before she made herself see the real man before her. 

She tried to pull him back, reaching into the darkness that surrounded him to try and find the man she loved. Instead she found that it was her fault. He was a monster, one she had created.

Anakin was too far gone. He saw Obi-Wan, and he knew everything. She could see their entire past flash across his eyes. His fury was like none she had ever seen, and she felt his power as he crushed her windpipe. His new powers made him blind. They made him see too much. She felt herself dying, even as she begged him to stop in her mind.

Anakin couldn’t see that it was his darkness that scared her away. Her love for Obi-Wan was real, but it had been a long time since it had interfered with them. She had truly said goodbye to Obi-Wan that night, and he hadn’t made her terrified of Anakin. Anakin was scary enough on his own.

~~~

She lay on the hot ground of Mustafar for a long time, unwilling and unable to move. Her throat was on fire, and the baby was kicking so frantically it felt like two. What could she do? All was lost to her. She could never have her life back after this. It was gone.

When Obi-Wan returned, sweaty and forlorn, she knew her time was up. She couldn’t live in this world. She couldn’t save Anakin from darkness, and now she was going to bring his children into this world. Obi-Wan gathered her in his arms, and she didn’t fight him. She didn’t do anything.

As Obi-Wan carried her onto the ship, he told her that he loved her. He must have thought she was unconscious as he revealed to her what he had been hiding all these years. With the Jedi gone, there was no reason to hide anymore, but it was too late. He knew it was too late, but he tried to make up for all the lost time. It reminded her a little of the good times with Anakin, the huge dumps of affection he would give. It brought her a little peace.

Somehow, she learned that Anakin hadn’t died. It didn’t make her feel better or worse. He was gone, completely lost to her. There was nothing she could do for him.

~~~

They say that she died of a broken heart, but that isn’t true. She could have lived through that. She had once before, running from Obi-Wan’s bed after telling him it was over. Obi-Wan had murmured to her about helping raise the babies, about making everything right, as he carried to safety. She knew she wasn’t alone, even if Anakin wasn’t there. She never had been.

She died of guilt. It wasn’t her fault, but she couldn’t see that. In her eyes, she had turned Anakin, she had unleashed Palpatine onto the Galaxy, she had obliterated the Republic. She couldn’t push through it all, knowing that she had ruined everything.

She slipped in and out of consciousness for days, until she finally gave birth to Anakin’s children. Twins, a boy and a girl. She trusted Obi-Wan with them and gave up her fight. She trusted Obi-Wan, with her life, the lives of her children, and Anakin’s. It was up to him now, her first love, to redeem her second. She just hoped he was up to the task.


End file.
